MY FAVORITE MOVIES OF 2012
Django Unchained: at this point you either love Quentin Tarantino or you fucking hate him…or maybe you don’t even give shit (have an opinion about something!). this is what he does. this shit ain’t ever changing. I am a shameless QT apologist. Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction both came out when i was in highschool and had a huge influence on my taste in movies ever after. Tarantino knows what the fuck i like. Django might just be his messiest most over the top movie yet. it has literally everything you could possibly want from Tarantino: buckets and buckets and buckets of blood, Samuel L. Jackson reminding people he used to be an awesome actor, Don Johnson as a racist Colonel Sanders, Jamie Foxx killing the fuck out of everyone, people getting blown up by dynamite, Tarantino trying to act, and a bowing horse. i love it. LOVE it. will probably go see it 2 or 3 more times in the theater. it is the most Tarantino movie Tarantino has ever made.
Moonrise Kingdom: at this point you either love Wes Anderson or you hate him (wait…didn’t i just say the same thing about Tarantino) because he’s been making basically the same movie over and over again…but so did Woody Allen. so get over it. this is what he does. this shit ain’t ever changing. i am sucker for his meticulous little cartoon worlds of bad fathers, odd children, impossibly detailed sets, 60s folk soundtracks, and upper middle class white people problems. i loved every second of Moonrise Kingdom because it was just too cute not to. other than the part where the dog dies. Wes, quit killing dogs damnit! you are bringing me down.
The Grey: a movie almost no one i know saw. the previews just made it look like Liam Neeson fights wolves! but really it’s a movie about death and courage in the face of said death. it’s probably Neeson’s best performance ever, but no critics seem to give a shit because it came out at the beginning of the year and they all can’t remember movies that didn’t happen post-thanksgiving when award season rolls around.
Looper: i am and always will be a sucker for a good sci-fi movie. does all the time travel shit make any sense? who gives a shit? it’s Bruce Willis running around killing people and the kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun trying to kill him. plus people have mutant powers. plus the most fucked up body horror scene in years. plus Piper Perabo naked. plus Jeff Daniels. plus Mazda Miatas.
Dredd: most violently stupidly awesome movie of the summer. a simple action sci-fi story that felt like something John Carpentar would’ve made in his Escape From New York/Big Trouble In Little China days. also the best 3D movie i’ve seen.
Goon: basically the best comedy of 2012 and the best sports comedy since Major League.
Turn Me On Dammit!: Alma is a horny 15 year old girl that spends her time masturbating, dreaming about Artur the boy she is crushing on, and hoping to get the fuck out of her shitty little town someday. Artur pokes Alma with his dick at a party but noone believes her because these little lip balm addicted bitches can’t deal with my girl Alma’s foxiness and brutal honesty. so Alma becomes an outcast. highschool sucks everywhere, dudes. more masturbating and phone sex and other such adventures til our hero Alma decides these motherfuckers can kiss her ass.
Marvel’s The Avengers: i thought this movie was going to suck. i had been mostly underwhelmed by the Disney Marvel movies other than the 1st Iron Man and thought that Avengers looked pretty fucking stupid. but hey, i was wrong, cuz this was the most fun i had in a theater all year. sure the first 30 minutes of the movie are boring as fuck, a lot of dialogue is terrible…but then The Hulk shows up and starts smashing things and i was turned into a 12 year old boy just smiling stupidly as that big green sonofabitch punches giant space worms in the fucking face.
The Cabin In The Woods: being that i love Buffy the Vampire Slayer with all my heart, i am glad Joss Whedon’s finally getting his due after all these years. Cabin In The Woods felt like something that would’ve been a really funny Buffy episode. i dig self aware clever bullshit.
Argo: Ben Affleck is a mediocre actor who has somehow morphed himself into a totally awesome director that makes tense little thrillers that Brian DePalma hasn’t made since the 70s.
Skyfall: James Bond + The Dark Knight + Home Alone = the best Bond movie since Goldeneye.
Safety Not Guaranteed: i am totally in love with Aubrey Plaza. i am such a cliche that i don’t even care anymore.
Chronicle: if not for the stupid fucking found footage format this movie would’ve been perfect. what would happen if some dumb teenage guys were given super powers? probably this movie. and if one of them happened to be a social outcast from an abusive home he probably would turn into a psychotic super villain. Chronicle would make for a really awesome New Mutants movie. seriously, when is hollywood going to give me a New Mutants movie?
End Of Watch: best cop movie in the last few years.
Savages: a nasty little piece of cinema trash that is easily the best movie Oliver Stone has made since the mid 90s. Benicio Del Toro steals the show. lots of brutal violence and torture.
The Raid: Redeption: has basically the exact same plot as Dredd but with way more kung fu. this movie reminded me of the good ole days of John Woo’s Hong Kong soap opera action movie killspree past.
The Hobbit: nowhere near as good as any of the LOTR movies of a decade ago, but still it’s a fucking movie with dwarves and hobbits and wizards fighting goblins and orcs…so why are you assholes complaining so much? a little slow, but worth an afternoon of my time.
Magic Mike: the most hilarious experience i had during any movie this year was watching Magic Mike with two drunk ass girls. plus Matthew McConaughey singing “Ladies of Tampa”.
Killer Joe: this movie wasn’t really that good, not like i had hoped, BUT still any movie where McConaughey gets to act shitballs crazy and wear a cowboy hat is a movie i am going to enjoy.
and cuz not everything can be a gem….
THE MOST DISAPPOINTING MOVIES OF 2012
Dark Knight Rises: or how Christopher Nolan killed the serious comic boy movie for me.
Prometheus: or fuck you! this movie makes no fucking sense! i could go on for hours and hours and hours about why i hate this movie. but you’ve all heard all the reasons from everyone else. i will still probably go see the sequel though, so shame on me.
The Master: two really great acting performances can not make up for the fact this movie is completely pointless and plotless and is the worst Paul Thomas Anderson movie of his career.
The Thing prequel: i don’t know why i tricked myself into thinking that THIS was going to be any good. it might be the worst piece of shit i saw all year.
Ruby Sparks: everything i hate about indie romances in one fucking movie.
This Is 40: more like This Is Depressing. This Isn’t Funny. This Is 40 Minutes Too Long.