1. I am and always have been a sucker for a good crime drama…especially when it’s tragic as hell and The Place Beyond The Pines is one of the best and most depressing crime dramas of the last few years. Everybody’s favorite dreamboat Canadian stars as a white trash carnie dirtbike stuntman who has awesome taste in sleeveless Metallica t-shirts and diy tattoos, that turns to robbing banks to help take care of his bastard son. This sets into motion a series of unfortunate events that leads to all kinds of depressing shit. Tragedy Tragedy Tragedy. Ryan Gosling gives probably the best performance of his career, so far, and does for sleeveless shirts and dirt bikes what he did for scorpion jackets and driving gloves in Drive. Bradley Cooper is solid as an ambitious cop. But the real star of the movie is Dane DeHaan (that kid from Chronicle) who completely owns the final act of the film. If you love movies about doomed criminals doing stupid shit for noble reasons that is gonna end badly for everyone involved then this is a film for you. The Place Beyond The Pines joins recent films A Prophet, Animal Kingdom, and The Town as new crime classics. Highly fucking recommended.

    I am and always have been a sucker for a good crime drama…especially when it’s tragic as hell and The Place Beyond The Pines is one of the best and most depressing crime dramas of the last few years. Everybody’s favorite dreamboat Canadian stars as a white trash carnie dirtbike stuntman who has awesome taste in sleeveless Metallica t-shirts and diy tattoos, that turns to robbing banks to help take care of his bastard son. This sets into motion a series of unfortunate events that leads to all kinds of depressing shit. Tragedy Tragedy Tragedy.

    Ryan Gosling gives probably the best performance of his career, so far, and does for sleeveless shirts and dirt bikes what he did for scorpion jackets and driving gloves in Drive. Bradley Cooper is solid as an ambitious cop. But the real star of the movie is Dane DeHaan (that kid from Chronicle) who completely owns the final act of the film.

    If you love movies about doomed criminals doing stupid shit for noble reasons that is gonna end badly for everyone involved then this is a film for you. The Place Beyond The Pines joins recent films A Prophet, Animal Kingdom, and The Town as new crime classics.

    Highly fucking recommended.

  2. so, i was very skeptical but i gotta admit that the EVIL DEAD remake totally ruled. i mean it ain’t the Shining or Texas Chainsaw Massacre but as far as remakes of beloved cult classics go this is one of the best. there are nice nods to the original movies but for the most part it is it’s own little story. do you like movies that feature people taking nails to the face? how about motherfucking chainsaws? how about people getting their goddamned limbs blown off with shotguns? well this is the film for you. i don’t think i am being hyperbolic to call this one of the goriest fucking movies ever made. like i can’t even imagine what the NC-17 cut looked like. it ain’t art but it sure was fucking fun. just remember kids, NEVER GO INTO THE WOODS WITH YOUR FRIENDS EVER!!! cuz you are all gonna get murdered by fucking demons.  recommended.

    so, i was very skeptical but i gotta admit that the EVIL DEAD remake totally ruled. i mean it ain’t the Shining or Texas Chainsaw Massacre but as far as remakes of beloved cult classics go this is one of the best. there are nice nods to the original movies but for the most part it is it’s own little story. do you like movies that feature people taking nails to the face? how about motherfucking chainsaws? how about people getting their goddamned limbs blown off with shotguns? well this is the film for you. i don’t think i am being hyperbolic to call this one of the goriest fucking movies ever made. like i can’t even imagine what the NC-17 cut looked like. it ain’t art but it sure was fucking fun. just remember kids, NEVER GO INTO THE WOODS WITH YOUR FRIENDS EVER!!! cuz you are all gonna get murdered by fucking demons. 

    recommended.

  3. MY FAVORITE MOVIES OF 2012  Django Unchained: at this point you either love Quentin Tarantino or you fucking hate him…or maybe you don’t even give shit (have an opinion about something!). this is what he does. this shit ain’t ever changing. I am a shameless QT apologist. Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction both came out when i was in highschool and had a huge influence on my taste in movies ever after. Tarantino knows what the fuck i like. Django might just be his messiest most over the top movie yet. it has literally everything you could possibly want from Tarantino: buckets and buckets and buckets of blood, Samuel L. Jackson reminding people he used to be an awesome actor, Don Johnson as a racist Colonel Sanders, Jamie Foxx killing the fuck out of everyone, people getting blown up by dynamite, Tarantino trying to act, and a bowing horse. i love it. LOVE it. will probably go see it 2 or 3 more times in the theater. it is the most Tarantino movie Tarantino has ever made.  Moonrise Kingdom: at this point you either love Wes Anderson or you hate him (wait…didn’t i just say the same thing about Tarantino) because he’s been making basically the same movie over and over again…but so did Woody Allen. so get over it. this is what he does. this shit ain’t ever changing. i am sucker for his meticulous little cartoon worlds of bad fathers, odd children, impossibly detailed sets, 60s folk soundtracks, and upper middle class white people problems. i loved every second of Moonrise Kingdom because it was just too cute not to. other than the part where the dog dies. Wes, quit killing dogs damnit! you are bringing me down.  The Grey: a movie almost no one i know saw. the previews just made it look like Liam Neeson fights wolves! but really it’s a movie about death and courage in the face of said death. it’s probably Neeson’s best performance ever, but no critics seem to give a shit because it came out at the beginning of the year and they all can’t remember movies that didn’t happen post-thanksgiving when award season rolls around.  Looper: i am and always will be a sucker for a good sci-fi movie. does all the time travel shit make any sense? who gives a shit? it’s Bruce Willis running around killing people and the kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun trying to kill him. plus people have mutant powers. plus the most fucked up body horror scene in years. plus Piper Perabo naked. plus Jeff Daniels. plus Mazda Miatas.  Dredd: most violently stupidly awesome movie of the summer. a simple action sci-fi story that felt like something John Carpentar would’ve made in his Escape From New York/Big Trouble In Little China days. also the best 3D movie i’ve seen.  Goon: basically the best comedy of 2012 and the best sports comedy since Major League.  Turn Me On Dammit!: Alma is a horny 15 year old girl that spends her time masturbating, dreaming about Artur the boy she is crushing on, and hoping to get the fuck out of her shitty little town someday. Artur pokes Alma with his dick at a party but noone believes her because these little lip balm addicted bitches can’t deal with my girl Alma’s foxiness and brutal honesty. so Alma becomes an outcast. highschool sucks everywhere, dudes. more masturbating and phone sex and other such adventures til our hero Alma decides these motherfuckers can kiss her ass.  Marvel’s The Avengers: i thought this movie was going to suck. i had been mostly underwhelmed by the Disney Marvel movies other than the 1st Iron Man and thought that Avengers looked pretty fucking stupid. but hey, i was wrong, cuz this was the most fun i had in a theater all year. sure the first 30 minutes of the movie are boring as fuck, a lot of dialogue is terrible…but then The Hulk shows up and starts smashing things and i was turned into a 12 year old boy just smiling stupidly as that big green sonofabitch punches giant space worms in the fucking face.  The Cabin In The Woods: being that i love Buffy the Vampire Slayer with all my heart, i am glad Joss Whedon’s finally getting his due after all these years. Cabin In The Woods felt like something that would’ve been a really funny Buffy episode. i dig self aware clever bullshit. Argo: Ben Affleck is a mediocre actor who has somehow morphed himself into a totally awesome director that makes tense little thrillers that Brian DePalma hasn’t made since the 70s.  Skyfall: James Bond + The Dark Knight + Home Alone = the best Bond movie since Goldeneye. Safety Not Guaranteed: i am totally in love with Aubrey Plaza. i am such a cliche that i don’t even care anymore.  Chronicle: if not for the stupid fucking found footage format this movie would’ve been perfect. what would happen if some dumb teenage guys were given super powers? probably this movie. and if one of them happened to be a social outcast from an abusive home he probably would turn into a psychotic super villain. Chronicle would make for a really awesome New Mutants movie. seriously, when is hollywood going to give me a New Mutants movie?  End Of Watch: best cop movie in the last few years.  Savages: a nasty little piece of cinema trash that is easily the best movie Oliver Stone has made since the mid 90s. Benicio Del Toro steals the show. lots of brutal violence and torture. The Raid: Redeption: has basically the exact same plot as Dredd but with way more kung fu. this movie reminded me of the good ole days of John Woo’s Hong Kong soap opera action movie killspree past.  The Hobbit:  nowhere near as good as any of the LOTR movies of a decade ago, but still it’s a fucking movie with dwarves and hobbits and wizards fighting goblins and orcs…so why are you assholes complaining so much? a little slow, but worth an afternoon of my time. Magic Mike: the most hilarious experience i had during any movie this year was watching Magic Mike with two drunk ass girls. plus Matthew McConaughey singing “Ladies of Tampa”. Killer Joe: this movie wasn’t really that good, not like i had hoped, BUT still any movie where McConaughey gets to act shitballs crazy and wear a cowboy hat is a movie i am going to enjoy.  and cuz not everything can be a gem…. THE MOST DISAPPOINTING MOVIES OF 2012 Dark Knight Rises: or how Christopher Nolan killed the serious comic boy movie for me. Prometheus: or fuck you! this movie makes no fucking sense! i could go on for hours and hours and hours about why i hate this movie. but you’ve all heard all the reasons from everyone else. i will still probably go see the sequel though, so shame on me. The Master: two really great acting performances can not make up for the fact this movie is completely pointless and plotless and is the worst Paul Thomas Anderson movie of his career. The Thing prequel: i don’t know why i tricked myself into thinking that THIS was going to be any good. it might be the worst piece of shit i saw all year.  Ruby Sparks: everything i hate about indie romances in one fucking movie. This Is 40: more like This Is Depressing. This Isn’t Funny. This Is 40 Minutes Too Long.

    MY FAVORITE MOVIES OF 2012 

    Django Unchained: at this point you either love Quentin Tarantino or you fucking hate him…or maybe you don’t even give shit (have an opinion about something!). this is what he does. this shit ain’t ever changing. I am a shameless QT apologist. Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction both came out when i was in highschool and had a huge influence on my taste in movies ever after. Tarantino knows what the fuck i like. Django might just be his messiest most over the top movie yet. it has literally everything you could possibly want from Tarantino: buckets and buckets and buckets of blood, Samuel L. Jackson reminding people he used to be an awesome actor, Don Johnson as a racist Colonel Sanders, Jamie Foxx killing the fuck out of everyone, people getting blown up by dynamite, Tarantino trying to act, and a bowing horse. i love it. LOVE it. will probably go see it 2 or 3 more times in the theater. it is the most Tarantino movie Tarantino has ever made. 

    Moonrise Kingdom: at this point you either love Wes Anderson or you hate him (wait…didn’t i just say the same thing about Tarantino) because he’s been making basically the same movie over and over again…but so did Woody Allen. so get over it. this is what he does. this shit ain’t ever changing. i am sucker for his meticulous little cartoon worlds of bad fathers, odd children, impossibly detailed sets, 60s folk soundtracks, and upper middle class white people problems. i loved every second of Moonrise Kingdom because it was just too cute not to. other than the part where the dog dies. Wes, quit killing dogs damnit! you are bringing me down. 

    The Grey: a movie almost no one i know saw. the previews just made it look like Liam Neeson fights wolves! but really it’s a movie about death and courage in the face of said death. it’s probably Neeson’s best performance ever, but no critics seem to give a shit because it came out at the beginning of the year and they all can’t remember movies that didn’t happen post-thanksgiving when award season rolls around. 

    Looper: i am and always will be a sucker for a good sci-fi movie. does all the time travel shit make any sense? who gives a shit? it’s Bruce Willis running around killing people and the kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun trying to kill him. plus people have mutant powers. plus the most fucked up body horror scene in years. plus Piper Perabo naked. plus Jeff Daniels. plus Mazda Miatas. 

    Dredd: most violently stupidly awesome movie of the summer. a simple action sci-fi story that felt like something John Carpentar would’ve made in his Escape From New York/Big Trouble In Little China days. also the best 3D movie i’ve seen. 

    Goon: basically the best comedy of 2012 and the best sports comedy since Major League. 

    Turn Me On Dammit!: Alma is a horny 15 year old girl that spends her time masturbating, dreaming about Artur the boy she is crushing on, and hoping to get the fuck out of her shitty little town someday. Artur pokes Alma with his dick at a party but noone believes her because these little lip balm addicted bitches can’t deal with my girl Alma’s foxiness and brutal honesty. so Alma becomes an outcast. highschool sucks everywhere, dudes. more masturbating and phone sex and other such adventures til our hero Alma decides these motherfuckers can kiss her ass. 

    Marvel’s The Avengers: i thought this movie was going to suck. i had been mostly underwhelmed by the Disney Marvel movies other than the 1st Iron Man and thought that Avengers looked pretty fucking stupid. but hey, i was wrong, cuz this was the most fun i had in a theater all year. sure the first 30 minutes of the movie are boring as fuck, a lot of dialogue is terrible…but then The Hulk shows up and starts smashing things and i was turned into a 12 year old boy just smiling stupidly as that big green sonofabitch punches giant space worms in the fucking face. 

    The Cabin In The Woods: being that i love Buffy the Vampire Slayer with all my heart, i am glad Joss Whedon’s finally getting his due after all these years. Cabin In The Woods felt like something that would’ve been a really funny Buffy episode. i dig self aware clever bullshit.

    Argo: Ben Affleck is a mediocre actor who has somehow morphed himself into a totally awesome director that makes tense little thrillers that Brian DePalma hasn’t made since the 70s. 

    Skyfall: James Bond + The Dark Knight + Home Alone = the best Bond movie since Goldeneye.

    Safety Not Guaranteed: i am totally in love with Aubrey Plaza. i am such a cliche that i don’t even care anymore. 

    Chronicle: if not for the stupid fucking found footage format this movie would’ve been perfect. what would happen if some dumb teenage guys were given super powers? probably this movie. and if one of them happened to be a social outcast from an abusive home he probably would turn into a psychotic super villain. Chronicle would make for a really awesome New Mutants movie. seriously, when is hollywood going to give me a New Mutants movie? 

    End Of Watch: best cop movie in the last few years. 

    Savages: a nasty little piece of cinema trash that is easily the best movie Oliver Stone has made since the mid 90s. Benicio Del Toro steals the show. lots of brutal violence and torture.

    The Raid: Redeption: has basically the exact same plot as Dredd but with way more kung fu. this movie reminded me of the good ole days of John Woo’s Hong Kong soap opera action movie killspree past. 

    The Hobbit:  nowhere near as good as any of the LOTR movies of a decade ago, but still it’s a fucking movie with dwarves and hobbits and wizards fighting goblins and orcs…so why are you assholes complaining so much? a little slow, but worth an afternoon of my time.

    Magic Mike: the most hilarious experience i had during any movie this year was watching Magic Mike with two drunk ass girls. plus Matthew McConaughey singing “Ladies of Tampa”.

    Killer Joe: this movie wasn’t really that good, not like i had hoped, BUT still any movie where McConaughey gets to act shitballs crazy and wear a cowboy hat is a movie i am going to enjoy. 

    and cuz not everything can be a gem….

    THE MOST DISAPPOINTING MOVIES OF 2012

    Dark Knight Rises: or how Christopher Nolan killed the serious comic boy movie for me.

    Prometheus: or fuck you! this movie makes no fucking sense! i could go on for hours and hours and hours about why i hate this movie. but you’ve all heard all the reasons from everyone else. i will still probably go see the sequel though, so shame on me.

    The Master: two really great acting performances can not make up for the fact this movie is completely pointless and plotless and is the worst Paul Thomas Anderson movie of his career.

    The Thing prequel: i don’t know why i tricked myself into thinking that THIS was going to be any good. it might be the worst piece of shit i saw all year. 

    Ruby Sparks: everything i hate about indie romances in one fucking movie.

    This Is 40: more like This Is Depressing. This Isn’t Funny. This Is 40 Minutes Too Long.

  4. Saw Looper. Thought it was pretty rad. Not sure if all the time travel shit made any sense vs. my working knowledge of String Theory but whatever. the kid from 3rd Rock From the Sun vs. Die Hard and they are the same guy and 3rd Rock has to kill Die Hard or he gets dead himself. It is a movie with everything: lots of people getting killed, Jeff Daniels, the best torture scene in forever, mutant super powers, some naked Piper Perabo, future drugs, Mazda Miatas, hover bikes, and a pretty cool ending. the best Sci-Fi movie in a number of years. Go see it.

    Saw Looper. Thought it was pretty rad. Not sure if all the time travel shit made any sense vs. my working knowledge of String Theory but whatever. the kid from 3rd Rock From the Sun vs. Die Hard and they are the same guy and 3rd Rock has to kill Die Hard or he gets dead himself. It is a movie with everything: lots of people getting killed, Jeff Daniels, the best torture scene in forever, mutant super powers, some naked Piper Perabo, future drugs, Mazda Miatas, hover bikes, and a pretty cool ending. the best Sci-Fi movie in a number of years. Go see it.

  5. Just saw Savages, easily the best movie Oliver Stone has made since the 90s. It’s a nice violent little piece of cinema trash that reminded me of True Romance and the lesser known but bloody fun film The Way Of The Gun. It has kinda all the things I like in a movie like this…a babe, a badass dude doing badass things, and a really good villain….which Benicio Del Toro delivers in spades. Really his Lado steals the movie. There’s some good action sequences, several fucked up torture scenes that remind me of why I never vacation in Mexico, and some commentary on the pointlessness of the drug war. Anyways it’s no work of art…but if you enjoy mayhem, drugs, and death with a little bit of love thrown in for good measure then check it out.

    Just saw Savages, easily the best movie Oliver Stone has made since the 90s. It’s a nice violent little piece of cinema trash that reminded me of True Romance and the lesser known but bloody fun film The Way Of The Gun. It has kinda all the things I like in a movie like this…a babe, a badass dude doing badass things, and a really good villain….which Benicio Del Toro delivers in spades. Really his Lado steals the movie. There’s some good action sequences, several fucked up torture scenes that remind me of why I never vacation in Mexico, and some commentary on the pointlessness of the drug war. Anyways it’s no work of art…but if you enjoy mayhem, drugs, and death with a little bit of love thrown in for good measure then check it out.

  6. i watched Nowhere Boy last night now that it’s finally out on DVD. thought it was a pretty enjoyable little romanticized version of teenage John Lennon’s fucked up mommy issues. the soundtrack is killer (screamin’ jay hawkins, eddie cochran, elvis, wanda jackson, gene vincent, etc…) and that kid from Kick Ass is a lot less annoying to me as a dickish John Lennon than as an annoying super hero. as far as fictional versions of the early Beatles go, i liked this more than Backbeat. and even if you don’t like The Beatles it’s really just a pretty good coming of age story. recommended. 

    i watched Nowhere Boy last night now that it’s finally out on DVD. thought it was a pretty enjoyable little romanticized version of teenage John Lennon’s fucked up mommy issues. the soundtrack is killer (screamin’ jay hawkins, eddie cochran, elvis, wanda jackson, gene vincent, etc…) and that kid from Kick Ass is a lot less annoying to me as a dickish John Lennon than as an annoying super hero. as far as fictional versions of the early Beatles go, i liked this more than Backbeat. and even if you don’t like The Beatles it’s really just a pretty good coming of age story.

    recommended.